Dear Matzav Inbox,
We’ve been told for years that we have a shidduch crisis. We’ve debated the age gap theory, we’ve restructured dating systems, we’ve hosted symposiums, podcasts, and panel discussions. And yet, the problem not only persists—it deepens.
But maybe the real crisis isn’t logistical. Maybe it’s not about the numbers. Maybe it’s about what we’ve become.
As Dr. Shmuel Waldman powerfully noted in a recent post, “We don’t have a shidduch crisis. We have a priorities crisis.”
Somewhere along the way, we’ve replaced values with value. A girl’s worth is assessed by her salary, her parents’ professions, her dress size, and how much support is “on the table.”
A boy’s potential is weighed against his yichus, his brother-in-law’s career, and the number of hours he intends to learn after he’s already exhausted from a 14-hour workday trying to make ends meet.
What are we doing?
We’ve created a system where perfection isn’t just expected, it’s demanded. Perfect resumes. Perfect families. Perfect bank accounts. Perfect future projections. We’ve made shidduchim into business mergers, not soul connections. And in this obsession with surface, we’ve forgotten to ask the questions that actually matter.
Do they know how to be mevater—to yield, to bend, to give?
Do they want to grow, to stretch beyond comfort zones, to become something greater?
Do they understand what it means to be a husband or a wife—not in theory, but in the silent, sacred work of building a Torah home?
Can they live within their means, or will the weight of unrealistic expectations destroy their shalom bayis before it ever begins?
Is there a Rav in their life—someone who can guide, challenge, comfort, and redirect them when life throws its curveballs?
Are they ehrlich?
We are raising a generation trained to reject real people in favor of paper ones. We treat beautiful neshamahs as resumes to scan, redline, and discard. And then we wonder why the crisis grows.
It’s time to stop.
Stop and look inward. Stop and ask: What do we truly want for our children? A perfect image to show off at a vort? Or a meaningful, durable, Torah-based life built by two people deeply committed to each other and to Hashem?
We say we want homes built on Torah u’middos, but we chase prestige, money, and externality. We talk about values, but we’re too afraid to value people who don’t check every shallow box.
Until we shift that conversation, no spreadsheet can fix this. No age-gap formula can resolve it. No shidduch initiative can correct a system built on the wrong foundations.
Let’s stop measuring people with rulers made of fear and fantasy. Let’s start asking the questions that actually lead to happy, lasting marriages.
Maybe it’s not the system that’s broken.
Maybe it’s us.
Sincerely,
A Parent 
To submit a letter to appear on Matzav.com, email MatzavInbox@gmail.com
DON’T MISS OUT! Join the Matzav Status by CLICKING HERE. Join the Matzav WhatsApp Groups by CLICKING HERE.
The opinions expressed in letters on Matzav.com do not necessarily reflect the stance of the Matzav Media Network.
{Matzav.com}