Dear Matzav Inbox,
Why do we allow the shidduch process to consume us? Anyone in the parshah—whether for themselves or for their children—knows the crushing anxiety that accompanies the research phase of a potential match. How are we expected to determine compatibility from a resume? Is he like this or like that? Will her personality align with our expectations?
With every new profile, our minds race through endless possibilities—and anxiety, ever the pessimist, convinces us to assume the worst. Maybe they have this issue… Maybe they won’t understand that part of me… The doubts pile up, and all too often, we talk ourselves out of even considering the shidduch.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
I recently adopted a new approach—one that has been nothing short of transformative. I recognized a pattern in myself: when all I have is a piece of paper, my imagination takes over. Anxiety flourishes in the unknown, creating obstacles that may not even exist. But once I speak to the person? Everything changes. That abstract profile becomes a real, dynamic, multifaceted human being. The fears that loomed so large? Often unfounded. The concerns? Frequently irrelevant. The clarity? Remarkable.
So here’s what I do now: If a suggestion seems even remotely plausible, I ask the shadchan to arrange a brief phone call—right away. No commitments, no pressure to continue—just a short, informal conversation. The goal? To replace the paper with a person.
The difference is night and day.
Deciding whether to move forward becomes infinitely easier—and far less stressful—when I’m interacting with a real human being instead of dissecting a checklist of traits. People are always better than papers.
Granted, some shadchanim are hesitant (though the truly helpful ones are usually open to it). Sometimes the other side needs reassurance. But honestly—what do you have to lose? Every single person who’s tried this approach has told me it changed the way they view the process. One parent even reached out to thank me, saying it gave their child renewed hope. For them, shidduchim no longer felt like a burdensome ordeal.
The idea is simple: Turn the paper into a person.
A short, pressure-free conversation resets the dynamic entirely. And afterward, you’re exactly where you started—free to say, “Thanks, I’ll let you know if I’m interested.” But now, you’re making that decision based on a real interaction, not just speculation.
If you’re in the parshah—or guiding someone who is—try this once. Just once. You may feel the weight begin to lift, and the dread replaced by a new sense of hope and clarity.
Wishing you tremendous siyatta diShmaya. May Hashem guide you quickly and peacefully to your zivug hagun.
Hatzlacha,A Friend 
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