Some moments in life last for more than a moment. There are moments that can be pivotal in giving someone a sense of purpose, belonging or safety. Times that last in their memories and make an impact far deeper than the day to day of life. A person may remember the time when someone showed up for them when they were in a truly vulnerable state and it made all the difference. And devastatingly, the moment that they learned that the world wasn’t safe and that people can’t be trusted. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an attachment injury occurs when someone is going through intense hardship and desperately needs their primary attachment figure to be there for them- and they’re not. There was an expectation that you would be there for me when I needed you most and when you weren’t there, I felt deeply betrayed, abandoned and can no longer trust. Attachment injuries go far beyond the day to day imperfections and mess ups that happen in all relationships. They are so intense because they strike at a person’s core need for safety, connection and trust. These wounds can happen within parent child relationships or between husband and wife. Sometimes it seems that couples are able to move on easily, but that is often like building on a rotting foundation. These injuries will often fester beneath the surface and can impact the relationship later on in all sorts of negative ways. Someone whose trust has been betrayed may quietly build up resentment, or be passive aggressive towards their spouse. They may “test” the relationship in order to try to learn to trust again or be too clingy or distant thereby bringing about the very rejection that is feared. They may not be able to trust and always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. They may be always on edge and find it hard to open up to or rely on their spouse again. They may overreact to minor infractions by exploding or shutting down in disengagement. The good news is though, that attachment injuries are repairable. The first step of repairing these wounds is to recognize that there was an injury to begin with. Something that may have seemed not as major to you, was life altering for your spouse or child. They need to be able to share their pain with you without you becoming defensive or shutting down- not an easy feat. We need to acknowledge the pain and take responsibility without minimizing or explaining it away. After recognition and validation, the couple can begin the process of rebuilding emotional safety. This happens when the injuring person is able to show up for their spouse in meaningful and attuned ways and be a reliable and open spouse. If you feel that there was a moment that significantly damaged your trust in your relationship, don’t sweep it under the rug. Approach your spouse with vulnerability and explain that you’re bringing this up in order to repair and rebuild trust- not to play a blame game. If you think that you may have done something that significantly hurt your relationship, don’t ignore it thinking it will pass on its own. Approach your spouse with care and compassion to listen to their pain and acknowledge their feelings. Below […]